Check me out - I'm hiring!
An opportunity has arisen for a positive and optimistic individual to join my team on a six month contract, with the potential to secure a permanent position at the end.
If you are a size 8 female with an impressive selection of crop tops, have a strong sense of adventure and a fondness for Porn Star Martinis, I want to hear from you.
Working hours include daytimes, evenings & weekends, and you will be expected to work overtime as and when required. Holiday and sick pay are not included.
The successful candidate will hold a full UK drivers license & own a car.
They will be expected to act as a complementary taxi service on a day to day basis, including false eyelash/boob tape runs, road trips to Bournemouth and impromptu Wahaca/Yo Sushi/Gilgamesh/Nandos/Pizza Express lunch meetings.
This is an unpaid role, however yearly birthday and Christmas presents come as standard. A non-refundable 'the sofa's yours' token will be issued & may be redeemed from my home as and when required throughout the duration of the contract.
You've probably guessed by now. I need to hire a temporary Best Friend.
My last employee has decided to take a break from work to go and travel the world. She says she's looking for 'new challenges'. I say that that she's after a pay rise.
The position will become available on Monday 13th January at approximately 10pm, when she leaves for Melbourne. Quite frankly I don't know what Melbourne's got that Hertfordshire hasn't, but I guess that's just what the kids are into these days.
As I mentioned earlier, this is initially a six month contract with the opportunity to extend if the candidate is suitable. From past experience, duties might include:
- Taking me to V Festival and warding off wasps with antiperspirant deodorant
- Listening to me moan about cooking failures and triumphs
- Lending me clothes and never expecting to be reunited with them again
- Breaking Yorkie chocolate buttons in perfect halves to share with me
- Taking me shopping in Wonderbra and hunting for 30 backs
- Booking the annual girly trip to Ibiza like a real travel agent
- Both understanding and appreciating my obsession with Mollie King
- Both understanding and appreciating my need to vacuum four times a day
- Expanding my knowledge of music artists, including Armband Van Helsing
- Helping me navigate through life as a semi-colour blind woman in denial
- Pushing me into Christmas trees to make me even more hungover and grumpy
- Accompanying me to Woburn Safari Park on the hottest day of the year
- Researching where Mars ice creams are sold and our best route to find them
- Being an all round, hilarious and totally irreplaceable addition to mine, K & Js life.
- NB. You may also be required to perform gymnastics dressed as a zebra.
I'm hoping that despite the distance, the incredible adventures which the original Best Friend is about to embark upon & the innevitable awkward time differences, that she might be available for overseas freelance work every now & then.
In light of this, please be aware that you will always, always come second best.
Sophie. Be safe, be brave, be careful and eat your greens no matter how strange they look. I love you very, very much and I can't wait for you to be home already.
Dear me. I need my new recruit to bring me chocolate and tissues immediately.
This losing your Best Friend business for half a year is harder than you'd imagine.
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